For those of you not on the Ole Miss message boards, I give you the thoughts of the ever popular Jose Valdez:
(This is the work of a long time, loyal Rebel fan)
José knows what you are thinking. You are wondering which Emily Dickinson poem best captures José’s feelings after the Auburn game. He must go to Miss Dickinson’s “An Awful Tempest Mashed the Air” to describe the depth of his depression.
An awful tempest mashed the air,
The clouds were gaunt and few;
A black, as of a spectre’s cloak,
Hid heaven and earth from view.
José recognizes that the same poem probably was on many Rebel fans minds after the crushing loss to the Tigers. He also must admit that it has been a long time since José was as despondent as he was after that game. In fact, the last time he can recall being that chagrined was when the International Astronomical Union revoked Pluto’s planetary status. Note: José hopes that you will join him in protesting this grossly unfair decision by discontinuing financial support for the IAU. They will not get one more peso from José! He is officially redirecting his financial contributions to The Human Fund.
Well the Auburn game is in the past and there is no use crying oneself to sleep in tequila soaked sheets any longer. José must turn his thoughts to The School Whose Name Shall Not be Spoken (or TSWNSNBS for the purposes of this offering). José finds it very amusing how fans of TSWNSNBS obsess over Ole Miss (much the same way José obsesses over Salma Hayek, Coach Kennedy, Bigfoot and chicken chimichangas). The level of obsession became apparent to José after their football team defeated the Rebels in 2005. Despite the fact that they finished the season with a less-than-glamorous 3-8 record, they had t-shirts printed that read “2005 Egg Bowl Champions”. Note: Maybe José should have had History Bee 11th place t-shirts printed for himself since he finished ahead of Jorge (and only Jorge) in the 8th grade at Santa Poco Academy. (Paco finished one spot ahead of José because he knew that the Mexican General defeated by Sam Houston at the Battle of San Jacinto was Santa Anna and not El Guapo).
José must also address that he has had difficulty gathering his thoughts because of the terrible smell that is permeating his room. You see he accidentally stepped into some maroon earlier in the day.
Honestly, José cannot get over the decision to use “Step Into the Maroon” as the promotional campaign for TSWNSNBS. However, it does make more sense after hearing the other options that were considered. They included:
“Consistently delivering average to below results since 1878.”
“You can always go somewhere else for graduate school.”
“The best education you can get in the Golden Triangle area or my name ain’t Doc Foglesong!”
“What other options do you have?”
“Come to school here and your odds of getting a job are 10% higher than those with only their GED.”
“Exactly how high are your expectations anyway?”
“Only 24 Rhodes Scholars and 3 Miss Americas fewer than Ole Miss!”
“Just pay your fees and you can tell people you went to school anywhere you’d like.”
“Don’t believe everything you hear.”
“ University of Memphis turned you down? We’re still here.”
One of José’s very favorite things to do is to approach fans of TSWNSNBS who happen to have teenage daughters and tell them that their daughters just might be good looking enough to go to Ole Miss. They typically respond with a weak laugh as if José is joking with them, but José gets the sense that they are not really amused. But let us be honest, probably 75% of all TSWNSNBS grads either secretly wish they had gone to Ole Miss or hope that their children do. Of course you could never get them to admit to this, but you and José both know it to be true. Now try to think of ANY Ole Miss grad who might secretly wish they had gone to TSWNSNBS. That didn’t take long. It would be like José wishing his perfectly coiffed hair (circa Patrick Swayze 1990) looked more like Jorge’s comb-over.
As for the game, José recognizes that this is an extremely important contest and is doing his part to encourage Coach Kennedy. Last night José stood outside Coach Kennedy’s window with a portable stereo held over his head playing “In Your Eyes”. Fortunately for José, he escaped before the cops arrived.
Expect the Rebels to play with reckless abandon, much the way José approached ultimate frisbee, road trips, and nights at The Gin when he was in school. Rebels-76 TSWNSNBS-72.
My name is José Valdez IV and these are my thoughts.